


First Times

by grallonsphere



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Homoeroticism, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Recreational Drug Use, Sauna, Self-Discovery, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 20:15:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grallonsphere/pseuds/grallonsphere
Summary: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time"- T.S. Eliot----------EDIT : April 6th, 2019.When I wrote this last year, I had intended for it to be the first chapter in something larger, which would have been adjusted to fit Season 3 when it began.  But now we all know how Matteo's character was butchered, and his season turned into a deplorable travesty for the sake of pandering to the usual suspects.   I cannot begin to express just how infuriating the whole thing is.  So in light of this I've stopped watching the show.  And obviously I won't be continuing this story.For those of you who wish to go on reading, remember that this was written when everyone still thought Matteo was gay.





	First Times

**Thursday, April 5 2018, 18:24PM**

 

 

He hates her.  Well, not real hatred as in wanting to kill her.  Not that no.  It’s not even that he dislikes her – he doesn’t – she’s actually cool.  But she’s in the way, annoying like an itchy back you can’t scratch.  He makes a noise through his lips and looks down at the scrawled figures on the open pages of his notebook; trigonometric equations.  They dance before his eyes like gargoyles, as if taunting him.  He feels trapped here, just like he is out there…  Gradually he becomes aware of raised voices beyond the walls of his room and he grimaces, eyes closing, gripped by a sudden urge to smoke a big fat spliff.  That image is immediately chased by another of Jonas, naked in the showers of Barnim.*1  Fuck!  When did everything become so complicated?!

 

They were always together, Luigi and Mario – Matteo and Jonas, ever since primary school.  Everyone knew this.  He recalls with a fond grin that first day at Papageno*2, years ago, when his yellow scrapbook had dropped off the open backpack he clung to, a little breathless, as he looked around for a place to sit in the cafeteria.  He never realized he’d lost it until someone called behind him.

_“Hey is this yours?”_

That’s when he turned and saw him.  The boy was a little shorter, curly haired and almost freckled.  He was also holding up his forgotten binder like a flower.  There was laughter dancing in the corners of the stranger’s wide lips when he asked.

_“What’s your name?”_

Matteo remembers staring, rooted in place, enchanted by the warm light he saw in those large brown eyes.  He had reddened but managed a smile, biting on his lips.

_“Matteo…  You?”_

The boy had laughed then, as if delighted by something, and replied.

_“I’m Jonas!”_

They ate lunch together that day and became friends right there and then.  They’ve never strayed too far from each other since; where Jonas goes Matteo follows.

 

Now though…  Until Hanna he was never bothered by any of Jonas’ flings; they came and went away, usually after his friend had sex with them.  But this time around is different…  She is different.  And Jonas really likes her, more than anyone else before.  The noise coming from the living room increases and Matteo swallows a curse.  He grabs his phone and jerks both earplugs inside his ears, launching a playlist with an angry swipe to drown out the goddamn bickering.  Why can’t they ever keep it down?!  There’s hardly ever a moment of peace and quiet between his stubborn-ass sister and their mother.  When it’s not about cleaning up the house it’s about money or guys or going out too late...  No wonder Jonas calls them ‘weird’.  All of a sudden a giggle bubbles up in his throat as he remembers his bro’s last visit; Jonas couldn’t stand still and kept looking around to see if either woman was on the prowl nearby, like an anxious rabbit ready to jump.  And then an image of his dad flashes in his mind; easy smile but shifty eyes, like he so often was whenever he was about to break a promise.  Matteo’s lips curl into a sneer, as if he’d just tasted something bad.  He frowns and wonders, for the umpteenth time, how things would have played out if his father had stuck around instead of running away like he did…  When did it all go wrong between him and mom?  He sighs and the urge to smoke a joint returns, stronger than before.

 

Only Jonas knew how much he truly missed his dad.  One night, three years ago, after he’d just turned fourteen, Jonas invited him to sleep over.  His parents were gone so they’d have the house to themselves.  They drank too much and Matteo ended up bawling while telling that story.  And Jonas had just put his arms around him, holding him close, saying nothing.  That’s when everything changed for Matteo.  He realized at that moment he’d always wanted this, that he needed it.  And after that night he looked at Jonas with new eyes.  His best friend had become… more.  Matteo knows Jonas loves him, like the brother he never had since he is an only child.  But he also understands it couldn’t be anything else, even though they’d both learn to jerk off together, comparing sizes and making jokes about it; Matteo’s was longer while Jonas’ was thicker.  In fact they hadn’t done that in a long while, not since his bro started having girlfriends.

 

And now there’s Hanna, the pretty redhead Jonas fell in love with…  Try as he might Matteo couldn’t use any other word for it.  His friend looks at her the way he himself looks at Jonas so he knows it’s for real this time.  This sucks so much!  Yet she loves him too, he saw that as well last week at the cabin when she questioned Matteo about Leonie.  He was evasive, trying to deflect her, but he understood something else: she was frightened.  What if Jonas was still fooling around with his ex?  And who knows, perhaps Leonie wanted to get back at the one-time best friend who ‘stole’ her own boyfriend?  Yes, he knew the story of that love triangle since Jonas had told him.   A secret little smile slowly dawns on Matteo’s lips as he chews on the cap of his pen.  What would it take for Hanna to start believing it?  And if she did… how long before she and Jonas break up?  He turns the idea in his mind, tasting it and his smile widens.  She must still feel guilty, which is likely why she was so anxious about it.  It was a good thing then that she often turned to Matteo for advice.  She didn’t have many friends at Barnim after all.  In fact they chatted regularly on WhatsApp when neither of them was with Jonas.  It would be so simple to drop a few ambiguous sentences here and there…

 

Matteo suddenly becomes very still when he realizes what he’s doing.  He closes both eyes as his stomach clenches on something acidic.  Going behind Jonas’ back, trying to disrupt his couple?  Is that what friends do?  What are you thinking man?!?  He lets out the breath he’s been holding for a while and then he slaps away the notebook in front of him in frustration.  Now, he thinks, now I need that joint!  But there’s nothing left of his stash so he grabs his phone and dials Carlos’ number.

 

> **Carlos** _**: “Yo Habibi!”** _
> 
> **Matteo** _**: “Hey man… I need some weed…”** _
> 
> **Carlos** _**: “Now?  It’s the middle of the week!”** _
> 
> **Matteo** _**:  “I’m stressed… I need to relax…”** _

Then he adds, inspired.

> **Matteo** _**: “I can’t sleep… exams coming and shit...”** _
> 
> **Carlos** _**:  “Right… how much?”** _

Matteo looks at the piggy bank on the bookshelf (a glass jar in fact).  There are several euros crumpled in there.  He adds those in his mind to what he has in his pockets and replies.

> **Matteo** _ **:  “I should have enough for 3 grams.”**_ *3
> 
> **Carlos** _ **:  “Ok cool.  Meet me at the McDonald on Alex***_ 4 _**in about an hour?  Will that be ok?”**_
> 
> **Matteo** _**:  “Yup.  I’ll see you then!”** _

 

**********

 

**Thursday, April 5 2018, 20:52PM**

 

 

Matteo left Carlos behind after they smoked together and chatted some.  He likes the guy, who’s always easy going, willing to share and ready to sell.  Of course that also meant sitting through much bragging about sexcapades.  Carlos does love to brag – about his girls and about his dick… He’s never shy or subtle when it comes to either topic.  Privately Matteo doubts the dude has that much experience (or is _that_ hung).  In fact it sounded more like compensation than anything else.  He snorts back a chortle, looking out through the bus’ window pane.  It rained earlier so the streets are glistening under the lampposts as he rides south on the N42.  He doesn’t really know where he’s headed.  But he’s got a nice buzz going on and has no intention of ruining it by returning home too early.

 

He ran into his mom right after emerging from his room on the way out earlier.  It was like she’d been waiting for him.  She looked tired and angry.  But then she always does.  Working full time while raising two children alone will do that to anyone he supposed.  And the chronic warfare between her and his older sister doesn’t help.  At almost twenty Emilia was already done with gymnasium.  She’d graduated the year before and announced at that point she would look for a job rather than continue on to university.  Now that had been a Battle Royale in la casa Florenzi!  He rolls his eyes at the memory; as if they needed a pretext to be at each other’s throat.  It was like… confrontation was the only way they knew how to communicate!  And when Mom had had enough she would usually turn away in disgust and say ‘ _You’re just like your father…_ ’ which would spark another explosion from Emilia…

 

Stephanie Berger stood in the entrance of their living room.  She frowned when she saw him put on his favorite woolen vest.  Then she caught herself and sighed instead.

“ _Don’t you have school tomorrow?_ ”

It was almost seven by then.  He came closer and kissed her on the cheek, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“ _Yes mama._ ”  And then he lied since he was so good at it.  “ _Jonas needs some help for the maths test so I’m going over to his place._ ”  He looked at her.  He had inherited her eyes and her lips.  She seemed fragile all of a sudden, as she so often did after a fight.

“ _What was it about this time?_ ”  He asked in a soft voice, releasing her to adjust his beanie.  She shrugged, the ghost of a wry smile appearing on her lips.

“ _Do we need a reason anymore?_ ”  Then she turned to face him.  They were both of a height.  “ _Are you sleeping over?_ ”  He couldn’t lie to her when she looked directly into his eyes so he just replied.  “ _I don’t think so._ ”  She snorted and pinched the tip of his nose, as she had done ever since he was little.  “ _Don’t be too late then, ok?_ ”  He nodded and went out.

 

Matteo comes back to the present with a start.  The automated voice is announcing.  ‘ _Next stop: Ubahn Mehringdamm’_.  That’s his stop.  He takes a deep breath after stepping off the bus.  The air is still heavy with humidity – it’ll be raining again soon he guesses.  He bites his lips and turns north, wedging both hands in his pockets.  It doesn’t take long before he stops on the sidewalk, looking up at the number 34 sitting atop the arch that opens on an inner courtyard.  Now he remembers why he came.  He was mostly silent on his way back from the cabin at Heidesse.  After leaving the others behind, he kept seeing Jonas and Hanna making out in his mind.  He’d busted on them a couple of times, always cheeky, but in truth it had annoyed him more than he was willing to admit.  So later that evening he went online, browsing for gay shit again…  In fact he’d started that after he and Jonas stopped ‘practicing’ together.  But this time around though, there was something… compelling about it.  Jerking off alone while watching porn just wasn’t enough anymore.

 

And so here he stands, as people walk by him on their way to their own lives.  He’s anxious all of a sudden, despite the lingering weed fuzz.  At the other end of that courtyard there’s a steel door waiting.  He takes one step towards it then stops again and fishes out the small black leather holder he carries everywhere.  He opens it and goes through his cards until he recognizes the fake national ID Carlos got for him last fall.  You never know when you’ll need one right?  He’s used it a few times, to get booze mostly.  Looking down at it now he has to wince.  He does look very young for an eighteen year old.  Still, he’s never been challenged about it so far.  In fact Matteo has long observed that most people tend to be lazy – hell, he certainly is!  Therefore asking for an ID only adds to their daily routine, which means they’ll usually skim over the details.  The card is good; he paid Carlos two hundred euros for it, all of dad’s gift money from his last birthday in fact, and that was at a discount price.  Matteo compared it with the real one where he’s actually seventeen.  When tilting both cards under a source of light, the official one had an overlay from a certain angle.  In any case, the only thing that really matters is not looking nervous – that was an instant giveaway.  Thankfully, he’s quite good at playing it cool, most times…

 

**********

**Thursday, April 5 2018, 21:27PM**

 

 

Matteo glances at the letters etched in the rusty metal door.  Der Boiler – one of the best gay bathhouses in Europe,*5 or so he’d read online.  And surprisingly there is no line-up tonight; must be because of the cold rain from earlier.  As soon as the buzzer rings he pulls on the door and walks into a small lobby.  There’s a slim guy in a blue polo shirt waiting behind a glass protected counter.  He’s taller than Matteo, mid-twenties perhaps and clean shaven, with hazel eyes and a brush cut of mousy brown hair.  Both earlobes are pierced with black studs.  One eyebrow goes up and the fake smile plastered on his face turns into a smirk when the boy asks.  “ _Hmm… how much is it?_ ”  The dude’s voice sounds amused when he replies.

“ _Alright, let’s see some ID first._ ”

He quickly examines the evidence and returns the card with a quiet chuckle.

“ _Since you’re under 28 it’ll be 15,50€  for the first five hours - and 2 extra € for each hour after that._ ”

Matteo produces his last 20€ note and pockets the change as he grabs the towel, a pair of flip-flops and a couple of condoms the attendant pushes back towards him.  There is also a key.  Once again the guy chuckles, louder this time, before he adds.

“ _Come on through and I’ll explain._ ”

Beyond the second inner door there’s another counter.  The clerk picks up the small brass key and looks Matteo in the eyes.

“ _Up the stairs you’ll find the lockers’ room.  Yours is the 517.  That’s where you undress and put your stuff.  Most guys usually just wrap the towel around their waist, but you can also keep a t-shirt on if you prefer.”_ He points at the key again.  “ _And you should put this around your arm or your ankle so you don’t lose it, alright?_ ”

Matteo swallows and nods.  He can only imagine how he looks since he feels like a deer caught in headlights.  He’d laugh at himself if he wasn’t so stressed.  Where’s your devil-may-care facade now huh?  Suddenly the other guy grins and adds.

“ _Btw – I’m Markus._ ”

“ _Matteo._ ”  Markus nods and turns serious.

“ _Listen, if there’s a problem in there… if someone bothers you too much you come and see me; I’m either here or at the bar ok?_ ”

“ _Ok... and thanks!_ ”

“ _No problem.  Now go have some fun, and don’t forget the condoms!_ ”

 

**********

 

It’s like Matteo is walking though a dream, a somewhat disturbing one.  Beyond the brightly lit lockers’ room he goes down one floor to the adjacent café.  He flashes a timid smile (so much for Cocky Luigi) as the clerk, Markus, winks at him from behind the distant bar.  All the while Matteo tries to hide how tense he truly is.  There are several people gathered here, half-naked, having a drink or sitting at small tables enjoying a coffee or something to eat.  He hazards a few quick glances left and right; most of the guys are older, some of them much older, and he feels like he’s being scrutinized.  He’s beginning to regret having decided earlier to go bare-chested rather than keep his black t-shirt on.  You’d have to be generous to call him anything but lean.  Scrawny-bony – that’s how Jonas described him once – the asshole.  He shivers, imagining he can almost sense the hunger behind some of these looks… like that scene in It*6, where Ritchie walks into a room full of clown dolls following his every move.  Finally he makes his way down the stairs leading to the basement where the real action happens.

 

Matteo slowly advances into a central area bathed in a muted reddish glow.  In the distance he can see a large Jacuzzi fenced with steel bars.  There are thick rectangular columns, faced with slate grey ceramic and surrounded with spacious platforms of the same material where people can lounge about.  And many do, posing in feigned nonchalance, hands resting never far from their hidden crotch, watching everything that moves.  There are restrooms and drinking troughs marked by shafts of soft yellow light.  Open showers under blue neon, where naked guys of all ages and shapes luxuriate, more intent on showing off their goods and eyeing each other than actually cleaning themselves.  He licks his lips as a sliver of excitement begins to rise inside him.  They say the first step is always the most difficult… and Matteo finds that the stress is leaching out of him.  He feels the corners of his lips perking up in his usual lazy smile.  He’s really doing this!

 

He comes to a stop in front of the wide steps leading up to the Jacuzzi.  Here the color scheme runs in violets and greens.  There must be seven or eight guys in there.  He watches a couple making out towards the back, hands urgently roaming on each other.  Then someone brushes against him and he tracks a guy with his eyes as the man sheds the towel around his waist and leaves it on one of the nearby rails before getting in the churning water.  For a moment Matteo is tempted to follow him, if only to see what would happen next, but instead he shies away and continues his exploration.  A faint whiff of mint and pine wood drifts by as he nears the dry sauna.  Several men are crowed in there, sweltering behind a glass wall while another, an employee perhaps, fans them with a small towel.  The scene is so incongruous that he halts mid-movement, biting his lips to suppress the urge to laugh.  Then he moves on, down a long dim corridor pierced with several black doors.  Next to those, more guys leaning against the brick wall, following his approach with greedy eyes.  And the languid notes of that old George Michael song*7 from the 90’s start echoing in his mind.

 

“ _Looking for some education_  
_Made my way into the night…_ ”

 

He shakes his head, hardly noticing any faces.  His gaze seems to skim over their features, unfocused, as if he didn’t want any of them to have an identity.  And why should he?  There is only one face that matters, whose body he can’t touch, so he came here for that reason alone: to get what he couldn’t otherwise.

 

  
_“…Had some bad love_  
_So fast love is all that I've got on my mind…”_  


 

There is a small room opening at a bend of the corridor, with more dudes leaning back on vinyl covered tiers, eyes intent on something ahead of them.  When he peaks in, he smirks at the anal action playing quietly on the wall screen; two beefy jocks having a rough go at each other.  And for the first time that evening he begins to stiffen.  He could stop here, sit with the others and pleasure himself…  Instead he shakes his head, not quite sure what he wants exactly but somehow certain this is not it.  As he fades back into obscurity Matteo can feel a tingling sensation at the nape of his neck.  He’s being watched again, yet this time he’s turned on rather than repelled.  He wonders for a moment if someone is following him…  Still he doesn’t look back.  He forges ahead slowly, wandering really, taking in every sensation.  His nose picks up a new scent beneath the cleaning chemicals, something both tart and musty, and it is only when he perceives the muffled groans echoing from some of the small cells to his right that he realizes what it is: the smell of sex.

 

Not all the black doors are closed and he peers inside as he nears them.  There is one man, older and white haired, who sits on the floor, fondling himself.  Another, not much younger, standing naked and facing the far wall, waiting with his legs spread apart.  Matteo shivers and hurries away.   That is definitely not what he had in mind…  When he stops again he leans closer, against the doorway.  The dude in there is slouching in a leather harness chained to the ceiling, with everything on display.  Later he would learn the contraption is called a ‘sling’ and used mainly for anal sex.  For now though he details the guy while stroking his own package through the towel: late twenties or maybe early thirties; bulging arms folded behind his shaved head, short cropped beard, hairy chest, black tattoos crawling up his arms and one large dick, uncut and limp.  They stare at each other for a moment in semi-darkness until the guy gives him a dirty look before he looks away, dismissive.  All of a sudden Matteo’s cheeks are burning, as if he’d just been slapped.  So he withdraws quickly, mortified.  He’s always been told he was cute; by his mother of course (but that doesn’t count), by his sister one day they were home alone and she wasn’t in a foul mood, by lots of girls (too many) at school…  Even Jonas said he was good looking once, wondering why Matteo didn’t have a girlfriend yet.  ‘ _Well_ ’, he thinks, mildly annoyed, ‘ _I guess I wasn’t his type!_ ’  And then he snorts at his own reaction.  What does it matter if some random guy didn’t find him attractive?!  He combs a thick fringe of dark blond hair out of his eyes and moves on.

 

The sinuous underground maze ends with a wide open shower area, a blue-lit anteroom of sorts for the nearby steam sauna.  There’s no one there at the moment so Matteo puts aside his towel and goes to stand against the far wall, enjoying the warm drizzle as he stretches both arms above his head, eyes closed.  After a while he senses someone standing next to him.  His first reflex is to hide his penis with both hands but he stops mid-movement, forcing himself to relax.  This is nothing any of these guys haven’t seen before.  A smug little smile dawns on his face as he resumes massaging his scalp.  ‘A small victory for man…’  He feels his neighbor leaning close and then a warm voice sounds next to his ear.

“ _You’re really cute!_ ”

Matteo’s grin widens and he thinks back on that dude in his swing.  ‘ _Take that asshole!_ ’  He doesn’t look at the man next to him but simply replies.

“ _Thank you._ ”

If he was a cat he’d be purring right about now.  Alright, he’s got to admit, he’s a little vain. After a while he finds himself alone again so he opens both eyes, blinking.  What now?  Time for a little steam he reflects, enjoying the evening a little more with every passing moment.

 

As soon as the glass door closes behind him Matteo wades into a thick cloud of white mist.  He starts sweating right away while he looks around.  The whole room is made of glossy white ceramic tiles, including the low walled alcoves dividing the place into smaller sections.  He counts four or five silhouettes sitting here and there as he makes his way towards a corner bench, no longer embarrassed by his nakedness.  After all, he’s got nothing to be ashamed of down there, and if he’s to believe what he read online, it should continue to grow until he’s at least twenty.  Besides, Matteo realized something tonight: being looked at by other dudes is arousing!  He wonders briefly if that make him an exhibitionist.  Then he shrugs the thought away and plops down, crossing his legs on the warm wooden planks.  He closes both eyes once more and lets out a deep breath.  There is a distinct note of eucalyptus to the moist air.  After a moment it comes to him that he left his watch in the locker upstairs and he wonders what time it might be.  The last subway leaves at 1:00AM and he shouldn’t miss it.  But he shrugs that too; right now it seems really unimportant.  At which point someone sits next to him and says.

“ _I didn’t think you’d dare…_ ”

Matteo smiles again when he recognizes the voice from the shower.  There was a subtle hint of mockery in the guy’s tone too.  Still, he won’t look that way and shoots back in feigned unconcern.

“ _And why shouldn’t I?_ ”  That draws an amused snort.  “ _Because you’re new to all this…_ ” 

The boy replies, warming up to the banter.  “ _First time for everything right?_ ”  The voice lets out a brief chuckle and then.  “ _Cheeky!_ ”

 

Now Matteo glances sideways at the dude’s profile.  High cheekbones, full red lips framed by a thin goatee.  He also sports long sideburns.  The body is toned with a small patch of curly hair on the chest.  One arm rests on a folded leg and from that angle the boy can spy a rather impressive package…

“ _So… enjoying the view?_ ” 

It’s as if the stranger is teasing him.  Matteo bites off another grin and doesn’t reply.  Both of them have kept their voices down, as if by unspoken agreement; not really whispering but low enough to maintain a semblance of privacy.  After a couple of minutes the lad ventures another question.

“ _Do you always come up to strangers in the shower?_ ”  And this time the older guy laughs, genuinely amused.

“ _Where do you think you are pretty boy, at school?_ ”  For the second time this evening Matteo flushes scarlet, suddenly feeling out of his depth.  Moments later the man nudges him with a shoulder.

“ _Hey… I’m sorry._ ”

“ _Nah it’s ok… first times you know…_ ”  Then he clears his throat and adds.  “ _What’s your name?_ ”  He watches as the guy turns to look at him.  Both eyes are like dark pools, compelling in their intensity.  “ _The first lesson of the sauna is this…”_ The man is dead serious. _“…no personal questions… not about names, or jobs, or partners, or age…  People come here to get away from their normal lives, to have fun with no strings attached…  Do you understand?_ ”

The boy swallows and nods.  They both fall silent for a while, until the man smiles again, leaning closer as he whispers.

“ _Come with me, I think I know what you need for your first time…_ ”

Perhaps it’s the way he said ‘need’, as if tasting something juicy, or the hot breath so close to his ear, but now Matteo really has to hide his crotch because he’s hardening something fierce!  His new ‘friend’ chuckles quietly when he notices the lad’s embarrassment, then he winks and stands up without another word, moving towards the door.  After a few desperate seconds spent cajoling his ‘soldier’ to stand down, the lad follows him out.

 

They make their way together, down the same gloomy corridor, and the stranger leads them to a side passage Matteo had missed earlier.  At the end of it they come to room with barely enough light to distinguish the interior.  The boy looks up and asks in hushed tones.

“ _What’s in there?_ ”

The man is whispering as well.  “ _This is the Glory Room…_ ”

“ _What’s that?_ ”

His guide doesn’t reply directly but points towards the ceiling-high faux wall bisecting the strange room.

“ _You see the partition?_ ”  When the boy nods he goes on.

 “ _On each side of it there are stalls facing each other.  Go on the far side, all the way back to the last one – you’ll see for yourself…_ ”

 

Matteo stares at him one last time and then obeys.  As he draws closer he perceives there are other people in there!  Excitement wars with apprehension within him at this point.  And when he crosses behind the divider he can distinguish human shapes kneeling within some of the stalls.  Now he clearly makes out sounds: sharp intakes of breath and stifled moans.  The air is faintly musky.  When he reaches the last stall he blinks.  He can hardly see anything beyond the shadows cast by the small bluish lights dotting the ceiling’s periphery.  And then Matteo finally understands what this room is used for.  He watches, mesmerized, while a large uncut penis emerges, not quite hard yet, from a hole in the fake wall.  His own ‘soldier’ instantly stands at attention and he approaches, extending his left hand.  The towel around his waist drops on the floor as he sits on the narrow wooden bench facing the black hole ahead.  He wraps his fingers around the stranger then starts squeezing and stroking in turn.  Soon the boy bends forward, close enough that his tongue can brush the tip and then explore the length of that massive rod.  Yet before long this isn’t enough.  So he goes on his knees, grabbing the man by the balls, holding him in place while his mouth runs up and down the glistening trophy.

 

Matteo’s awareness is completely defined by the motion of his hands, one on the stranger’s manhood, the other on his own, both attuned and moving to the same rhythm.  It’s like his mouth has a will of its own: it’s greedy, voracious even.  He never imagined he could produce so much saliva!  His tongue twists and darts, trying to reach every fold and every bulge along the thick expanse.  Sometimes he stops and gulps the low hanging balls, toying with them in his mouth for a while before he returns to the main meal.  And every once in while he slowly goes all the way, down to the root, taking everything in as he fights the gag reflex in his throat.  That’s when the stranger gasps a curse.  “ _Fuck yeah!  Keep going!_ ”  This!  He was meant for this.  His guide had been right; this is what he’d been looking for without even knowing it!  Was this how a musician felt when he teased and coaxed music from his instrument?  He thinks of Jonas, sees his plush lips in his mind and begins again, sucking faster and faster, down until he chokes and has to take a breath, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.  There comes a point when the stranger withdraws quickly, right before exploding with a grunt on Matteo’s face.  And the boy licks some of the thick liquid, tangy salt on his tongue while his back arches, one hand clutching the wall for support.  He’s pumping his own burning rod with something like desperation now, until he too releases his load in a long strangled moan.

 

He stays like that, kneeling in the dark, while his heart slows down to its familiar beat.  He’s strangely empty, yet fulfilled at the same time.  What an odd sensation!  Then he realizes he’s no longer alone when a hand starts combing his matted hair.  The stranger sounds amazed when he murmurs.

“ _That was one of the best blowjobs I’ve ever had!_ ”

Suddenly Matteo feels like laughing out loud but what comes out instead is almost a sob.  Such conflicting emotions roiling inside!  The hand leaves his head and squeezes his shoulder.

“ _Come, I think you’ve had enough for tonight._ ”

He follows the man out, to the nearest shower. He doesn’t resist when his guide begins to soap his skin with quick, precise motions.  And as he stands there, leaning against a naked stranger, he feels like he could cry, and perhaps he does.  The man seems to understand, somehow, what is happening to him for his hands eventually stop and he whispers.

“ _The first time is different for everyone…  Don’t regret it, even if you wanted it to happen with someone else…_ ”

After a moment there’s a quick peck on his cheek and the man releases him.  When Matteo opens his eyes and turns around he is alone.  He blinks.  Was any of this even real?  He slowly shakes his head and sighs before cutting off the water.  Then he begins to dry himself.  It’s time to go home.

 

**********

 

**Friday, April 6 2018, 12:06AM**

The subway car is almost empty.  Who goes to Falkenberg*8 this late on a Thursday evening anyway?  Matteo gives it a cursory look: a trio of Vietnamese chattering next to the central door, a middle aged guy reading from a newspaper; returning from work maybe?  He loses interest and returns to watching the tunnel lights flashing by through his window.  There’s nothing left of his weed buzz yet he’s just as dazed as if he was still high.  He’s got some K.I.Z throbbing through his earplugs and yet he doesn’t hear any of it.  All he can see, whenever he closes his eyes, are flashing images of his ‘expedition’ in that place… Der Boiler – and what happened there.  No matter how much he now wishes he could go back to when he left Carlos, to go home instead of south – he just can’t.  Up until now, all his fooling around online, watching gay porn or chatting with guys was just some game, nothing real, nothing that mattered.  It’s one thing to imagine doing stuff, but when you actually go through with it… you cross a line.  And tonight, when he went on his knees in the dark, he did cross that line.  What does that make him?  He’d never thought of himself as a gay dude until now.  Is that what he is?  All he is? 

 

In truth, he’s not even sure it matters.  He’s not the faggy type and besides, whose business is it what he does in bed (or elsewhere) anyway?  But if this gets out people will start talking, because that’s what people do.  And they’ll look at him differently.  Not that he really cares about that either.  He already has reputation as a stoner so, what’s another gossip?  No, there’s only one person this might truly affect, by association if nothing else.  He pictures Jonas in his mind: singing, thoughtful, curious, laughing…  Matteo loves everything about his bro and he cannot bear the thought of losing him.  He fishes out his phone and looks at the couple of texts Jonas sent him earlier.

 

> _Thursday, 22:14PM_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Jonas_** : “ _Yo!  I was just at Hanna’s and I got a call from your mom, asking about the math test (?!) and when you were going home.  So I lied of course, to cover your ass – again!  What are you up to Luigi??_ ”

 

> _Thursday, 23:37PM_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Jonas_** : “ _Hey asshole!  I’ve been getting your shitty voicemail for an hour now – what’s going on?  Answer me Teo!_ ”

A grin appears on Matteo’s lips, yet at the same time he has to swallow the lump forming in his throat.  Jonas calls him ‘Teo’ only when he means that things are serious now.  A look at the time on his phone: 12:26AM.  He’s almost at the terminus.  So he hits reply.

 

> _Friday, 12:27AM_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Matteo_** :  “ _Met Carlos earlier for some Jay – then I went out down in Kreuzbeg* 9.  I’ll be at Ahrensfelde*10 in 5m.  I should be home before 1AM.  Don’t worry so much JoJo!  See you tomorrow!_” _*wet smoochy*_

**********

 

**Friday, April 6 2018, 12:47AM**

 

 

He knows he’s in trouble even before he unlocks the front door.  There is flickering lights in the main window of the living room.  Someone is still up, no doubt waiting for him.  Shit!  If he’s lucky it’ll be Mom.  But it turns out he is not so lucky.  Emilia Florenzi sits, crossed legged, on her favorite glossy (faux) leather couch.  She barely acknowledges him when he walks in.  In fact her features are carefully devoid of expression, and that usually means she’s trying real hard to restrain herself.  She’s shrouded in a thick pall of smoke as she murders yet another Gitane, before dropping the Dijon-colored corpse in the water ashtray sitting next to her.  Judging by the amount of bodies in there, visible even from where he stands, she’s been at it for a while.  Smoking is one of the few things they have in common, though weed is not her thing.  He stares in fascination as she slowly brushes aside a strand of her wavy bob before facing him, a faintly worried sisterly smile full of consideration well in place.  The whole thing was staged to perfection.  Anyone watching her would swear she’s perfectly sincere.  Anyone who doesn’t know her like he does that is.  Still he has to admit she’s getting quite good at this.  Working as a hostess in a restaurant does have side benefits after all.  And as she began turning towards him he also began counting how long it would take for the mask to drop.  It is still ticking in the back of his mind when she asks.

“ _So how was your evening?_ ”

He decides to play along by shrugging and looking down, a naughty boy caught at mischief.

“ _It was ok....  I ought to go to bed now though; school and all…_ ”

“ _Just don’t!  Your little coy act doesn’t work with me!_ ”

Less than five minutes.  He’d giggle if he dared.  Instead he shrugs without replying.

“ _Where.Were.You!?_ ”

She didn’t raise her voice yet every word came out a little sharper, as if she wanted to slap him. He looks up, straight into her eyes, not bothering to hide the sneer on his lips any longer.

“ _Out obviously – and now I’m back._ ”

“ _We were worried and that’s all you have to say?!_ ”

“ _We?!?  I was with Jonas; I told Mom before I left!_ ”

“ _Piccola Merda!_ ”*11 She hissed.  “ _Stop lying!  You didn’t go to study at your boyfriend’s; we called him since you weren’t answering your phone – and it was obvious he hadn’t heard of any maths test until then, though he did cover for you._ ”

 

He became rigid the moment she said ‘boyfriend’, with such a jeering tone too!  His throat is dry all of a sudden and once again images of the dark stall and what he did in there flash in his mind.  He shakes his head to clear it and when he replies his own voice is steady.

“ _Jonas is_ not _my boyfriend!_ ”

Emilia stares at him as if saying ‘do you really think I’m an idiot?’, then she rolls both eyes and lights up another Gitane.

“ _Well little brother…_ ”  She continues after blowing out some smoke.  “ _…if that’s the case then I suggest you start working on your acting skills fast, because the way you like at him, all puppy-eyed whenever he’s around, he’s sure to sniff you out at some point…_ ”

Was he really that obvious?!?  He slowly walks to the couch and plops down next to his sister, raising a hand to ask for a drag.  She passes him the cigarette and he draws from it, making a bunch of rings with his mouth.  He licks his lips and looks straight ahead when he mutters.

“ _I wish he was though…_ ”

Emilia snorts but there’s no real bite to it.  So he turns to her and asks, tentative.

“ _Do you think Mom knows?_ ”  She glances at him and her lips quirk up a little, not unkindly.

“ _Why do you think she was worried?_ ”

He stays quiet for a while and then he takes a deep breath and dives in.

“ _I went to a sauna…_ ”

“ _Der Boiler?_ ”

His head snaps towards her.  He must’ve looked ridiculous because this time she’s grinning.

“ _Come on Mat!  I work in a restaurant with a bunch of queens so I’ve heard all about it.   Besides, the Boiler is the only gay bathhouse left in Berlin.  Nice place from what they tell me, very clean…_ ”

How awkward is this?  Sitting in the middle of the night with a sister he normally ignores.  It must be the first time in months since they’ve actually talked like normal siblings…  About real shit too!  She manages to startle him once more when she asks.

“ _Did you use condoms?_ ”

For the third time that night his face turns red and he squeaks.  “ _WTF!_ ”  A peal of laughter escapes her and she extends a hand to ruffle his hair, winking.

“ _Aww look at you!  You’re all blushing!  You didn’t go there to play chess did you?_ ”  He doesn’t know where to look, which has her tittering all the harder.  She stifles another giggle until she suggests.  “ _More like baseball, right?_ ”

“ _For fuck sake Emi!_ ”  That was a loud whisper.  And she loses it again, covering her mouth to avoid waking up their mother.  There are actual tears running down her cheeks, the bitch!  Eventually she calms down and lights up another cigarette.  They swap it back and forth in comfortable silence for a moment until he confides in a low voice.

“ _Jonas has a new girlfriend… I mean I think it’s the real deal this time; just the way he looks at her…_ ”  He closes both eyes and continues.  “ _That’s why I decided to go to that place tonight… to see if… what I feel is just… because of him or… if it’s the same with other guys…_ ”

“ _Is it?_ ”  Emilia prompts and he snorts, shaking his head.

“ _Nothing like him no but…_ ”  He sees it again, the dark room and him chocking on that stranger.  “ _…there was a dude… really hot…  We did stuff and… yeah… I liked it, a lot._ ”  Matteo searches his sister’s eyes.  He needs to know if what he did was wrong.  “ _It’s like I just cheated on Jonas and I feel lousy!_ ” 

She smiles again but this time there’s something like sympathy in it.

“ _You two aren’t together Mat…_ ”  She says in a kind voice.  “ _How can you cheat on someone who’s straight?_ ”  She takes a moment, as if deciding whether or not she should say anything more and then.  “ _How could he blame you for being yourself?_ ”

 

Matteo blinks.  He hadn’t thought of it that way.  Still, does it really change anything?  What if people should start laughing at Jonas for being friend with a ‘schwul’?*12  Fuck!  How he hates that word!  And all the others… _aufspießer, bananenpeller, eierschlürfer, gurkenfresser, hintermann, leckermaul…_ *13  As if you could define anyone with a label!  What happens between two persons is so much more than what they do in the dark!  Even when it’s anonymous like it was earlier in that sauna.  Matteo thinks of the stranger then, how kind and gentle he had been, and all they had together was just sex…  He stifles a yawn before he replies.

“ _I don’t want to lose him Emi… even if he can never be more than a friend…_ ”  His sister manages to surprise him all over again by placing an arm around his shoulders.  And then she truly shocks him when she leans in to plant a light kiss on his cheek.

“ _Now you listen to me…  After what happened tonight I think you have to come out clear… if only so both of you guys know where you stand around each other.  I’m not saying you should tell him you’re in love or anything…  That may not be such a good idea…  But at some point he’s gonna wonder why you don’t have a girl right?  Do you want him to find out from someone else?_ ”  She squeezes him again.  “ _That’s why, I think, you should lay it out in the open.  If he’s a true friend he’ll understand and accept you for who you are!  And if he’s not…  Well then, you’ll know for certain._ ”

Matteo stares at his sister as if he’s seeing her for the first time.  He’s not sure but it’s almost as if her cheeks are coloring in the shadows, and she looks away, making a fuss about searching for her pack of Gauloise.

“ _Thanks Emi!_ ”  He says, meaning it, and she just winks, blowing smoke away from him.  Then she frowns in mock annoyance and snaps.

“ _I only work at noon but you have school in the morning so get to bed!_ ”

 

**********

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1- [https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=https://www.barnim-gymnasium.net/&prev=search](https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=https://www.barnim-gymnasium.net/&prev=search)  
> 2- [https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.papageno-grundschule.de/&prev=search](https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.papageno-grundschule.de/&prev=search)  
> 3- [http://www.priceofweed.com/prices/Germany/Berlin.html](http://www.priceofweed.com/prices/Germany/Berlin.html%20) \- So 3 grams would be 39US$ or 31.65€.  And 3 grams should produce 2 joints each if mixed with some tobacco.  
> 4- Alexanderplatz, a public square in Berlin - <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexanderplatz>  
> 5- <http://www.boiler-berlin.de/welcome-uk.html> \- Also, please refer to this Vimeo clip for a 'live visit': <https://vimeo.com/78244911>  
> 6- <http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396484/>  
> 7- <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHAQlFq6TFg>  
> 8- <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falkenberg_(Berlin)> \- a suburb in the borough of Lichtenberg, north-east of Berlin.  
> 9- <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kreuzberg> \- or X-Berg - a borough in the south-central Berlin.  
> 10- <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahrensfelde_station> \- the terminus station of the S7 line of the Berlin metropolitan transit system.  
> 11- Literally: "You little shit!"  
> 12- Gay or queer or fag  
> 13- Impaler - Banana Peeler - Balls Licker - Cucumber Gobbler - Butt Man - Snout Licker ... pretty self-explanatory


End file.
